Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
Then you guys just all showered together...?
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
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