i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
you dont publicly announce someones alcholism over facebook. you dont out someone like that.
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
He is going to sleep with me. That's all there is to it. I'm 4 for 4 right now. I'm not making it 4 for 5.
You have proved your worthiness to join me on the quest of taking shots at every academic building on campus by showing up drunk to our test at 12:30 today
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
Walking in on a gay threesome, with a girl in the corner watching and taking vid is a reason to not only knock, but to never go to Savannah.
I beer bonged before it even hit 4 o' clock. Please get on my level homecoming style.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
Randomize
