Three words: puerto rican gang bang
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
SORRY FOR THE CAPS. I DIDNT CHANGE IT IN TIME AND ITS TOO FAR TO GO BACK NOW. PS IM SUPER BAKED
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
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