I like my sex mixed with concussions.
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
No - a douche bag is not a fashion accessory. They do not make Gucci Douchebags
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
The working title of my paper? "Tailgating: A Big Clusterfuck of Kids Who Dont Actually Give a Shit about Football"
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
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