Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
so I just used the H1N1 mask my mom gave me for college to hold in a bong hit longer... god I love orientation week
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
It's been a wonderful constant drunkeness. We played Marco polo with some random like 8 yr olds in the kiddie pool.
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
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