Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
Well for one thing, she was eating rice with a shot glass.
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
Randomize
