It's hipsters with their motorcycle cop mustaches, moccasins, douchey irony, and department stores to supply their independent conformity
Something's gotta give!
She walked in the room and sighed really loudly fishing for attention. but I didn't bite cuz I don't give a fuck what's wrong with her.
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
Try me, you 5'5 gremlin
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