Grossest hangover story of 09: Puked in the bathtub. I was in it.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
Ryab! Make hr wtop. Mshe make sme speee. I don want to pee. I want sev. He was so igbad. Redpo.
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
he's the second guy to suck on my nipple in front of my friends that i haven't made out with.
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
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