my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
he mailed me a thank you note for the blowjob.
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
don't pay it forward
I eont pay shit forward. told a stranger to call an abulance and peaced
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
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