The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
Remember, ur body isn't a visitors center
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
Sex was great. Left his house while he was asleep but on the plus side I was able to get gas station food.
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
Randomize
