hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
Good news.. I found out what I did Saturday night. Bad news... I found out what I did Saturday night.
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
Randomize
