So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
On a better note: I'm on pace for 730 female produced orgasms in 2013.
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
Then he started caressing my eye brow. Like repetedly. For at least 15 minutes. It was strangely mesmerizing
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
Randomize
