I am not hooking up with him just to see what his penis looks like.
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
Do you know this guy sitting in front of us? Asking for my vagina.
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
Fuck me I smell like cheese
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