rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
He gave me such a powerful orgasm I blurted out I love you. This is why just rebouding out of a serouis relationship is awkward.
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
