M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
I'm venturing to your corner of this sin house in t minus 2 minutes.
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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