so I found out that he is the older brother of a friend of mine from high school
awkward
no it got awkward about 40mins later when he invited me to stay the night...with him and his girlfriend.
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
Because ur a stupid bitch
Actually, I'm graduating from college on Saturday so that makes me a well educated bitch.
I rarely go in there. Unless it's for mini cadbury eggs and whiskey.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
Randomize
