yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
thought so. i woke up and he was playing with my eyeliner. I MAKE GREAT CHOICES.
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
Also they do not have any come back to america, i miss my fuck buddy cards at Hallmark.
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
He plays guitar, sings like an angel, and acts like a gentleman. If I don't fuck him by the end of first semester, I'm dropping out
I touched a dick in church today
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
Randomize
