last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
Yea well when i pee it makes steam.
I wanna fuck padma even more now that she's preggers. Is that sick?
Yes but- 100% agreed
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
Travelers Top-Tip: Europeans do not appreciate being repeatedly referred to as "gypsy" regardless of how good your Borat impression is.
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
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