My Higher Power is John Stamos
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
He said he's in to distance fucking. I thought he just mean long durations. We fucked on a towel all the way down his tile hallway accross his kitchen and into the living room
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
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