There's just this way he looks at me that makes me want to suck his soul out through his dick.
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
found an empty one..2nd door on the right...i'm already naked.
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
My vagina bone hurts from grinding on that dude so hard.
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
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