Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
you win again, gameday.
do guys with small dicks even attempt to pursue romantic relationships?
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
she scratched her sororities letters into my back when she was done. i think i was part of some sick game. sick twisted sexy game
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
Randomize
