On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
Rebecca hasn't has this number in 3 months. Please tell all her friends to stop calling at 3 am. We are not interested in buying or selling drugs nor do we want to hook up with anyone. You all need to go to rehab.
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
How do you feel about a threesome?
Will you be there?
I'm the one asking!
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
Randomize
