the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
We owe the rent and you're unemployed...you're in no financial position to flirt with cocaine addiction.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
trying to figure out who visited the hillshire farms website enough for it to be in my top sites.
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
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