Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
Nothing will stop me from making the title of my paper "The Great Political Cock Block." Absolutely nothing.
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
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