The maid of honor just puked.
ok, i just want to know who did it and which end it came out of
May i just say it is extremely difficult to pee in a cape
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
Randomize
