Getting fucked up met up rando with a girl I confesswed my love for last night. weird, going with it
I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
Randomize
