I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
Member that time when we got super drunk and had fun and fell in love
I remember it like it was tomorrow.
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
He said that he made a girl squirt to the ceiling and I got curious
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
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