Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
well it doesn't count as a walk of shame if he drops you off at your class in his golf cart
I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
i wish i coudl send you meat via computure
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
Cleaning my pipe and using the left over resin solution to make THC laced rolling papers and a jar of hash oil/honey for my tea
WE USE THE WHOLE BUFFALO
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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