can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
walking around pouring bird seed on passed out guys in the quad.
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
Randomize
