I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
he'll be my respectable boyfriend for tksgiving and i'll be his non-slutty girlfriend for christmas.
and then ....
he stays my gay friend and my parents think i'm not a slut.
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
Well, you're 18 and dating a 28 year old. Who has a wife. Who isn't you. I would guess that's why your mom frowns upon the relationship.
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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