can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
his penis is PERFECT
I want to put it in a shoebox and place cottonbls around it to protect it from any harm
or knit it little hat
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
You may now shotgun with the bride
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
But I’m still curious to know... how did the homemade porno go?
Randomize
