Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
They just yellow carded someone for spilling a drink because it was a party foul. Love germans.
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
You know were out to late when I call my hook up at 8:08pm and 8:08am in the same night.
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
Omg. The news was on TV while I was giving him a bj...when the weatherman said its a beautiful start to December, he groaned and said it sure is.
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
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