It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
Why didn't you tell me that Dad was a registered sex offender?
We were going to tell you eventually, how'd you find out?
Our school resource officer showed us how to use Family Watchdog and pulled up his picture.
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
Randomize
