How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
The night ended with a lot of tears and everyone singing along to Willenium
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
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