Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
we both turned hook ups into relationships we are crushing this thing called life right now.
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
Randomize
