Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
Randomize
