now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
He made me put my cow print vest and my cowboy hat from my ' sheriff woody' costume and said I'll show you a woody. What I charmer huh!? I love make up sex
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
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