so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
I want to respect them as people, but really I just want to have sex with them.
Randomize
