Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
if sarah has 12 dollars and spends 6 of it on cheap booze how much will she spend on hangover food the next morning?
4 on the dollar menu at mcdonalds
mom cant say that college never taught us math
I've already planned a drinking game for mtvs jersey shore....jagerbomb everytime they do
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
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