I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
The girl next to me in class is taking notes on woman's suffrage with a girls gone wild pen.
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
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