Well apparently he's into motor boating.
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
Bro my mom is in for two days and you can't even hold back on the drinking she said as she left i hope he doesn't always pee his pants and he is sure popular with the girls wtf
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
I'm gonna fight the coyote
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
Randomize
