Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
Randomize
