Is it normal to miss your booty call?
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
Actually here it's more "lie around naked in a dark room" weather.
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
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