Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
operation Bang Australian Boy = oh so successful
Randomize
