Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
He's sweet and rough. A wonderful contradiction. He's the starburst of sex.
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
The shrooms were awesome. Everyone's bones in their face looked so beautiful! Everyone had great face structures.
I just recommended that the library purchase the first major hentai with tentacle porn. Really, I'm doing everyone a favor.
Randomize