I don't usually arrange sex via text message
Oh. Thats cool. Im not dating anyone right now. Sean gave me chlamydia from some GUY he fooled around with. Im being abstinent.
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
threw up in the library. i should be embarrassed, but i'm willing to bet that i'm one of the first so i'm kinda proud.
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
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