Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
I asked her if she had any t-shirts of bands that didn't suck. I got a Sublime shirt and my answer.
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
Yeah I'm gunna date him. I figure its regular sex and maybe feelings will come in time...it worked for arranged marriages...
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
Dude she pregamed for her sorority's philanthropy.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
Randomize
