Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
gonna stay in tonight
and im a platypus. shotgun a beer and get your dick to this party. ive got some hot friends visiting
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
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