You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
I'm the saddest girl in a tutu right now.
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
watched two friends get underages. one had a shirt on that said lets get wasted while the other said to the cop "i understand your just trying to do your job but that was dirty bro".
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
Randomize
