Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?
our generation is not ready to get married
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
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