A big part of growing up is learning how to tastefully stare at women
9 of the 12 girls i had sex with in college are on facebook
it was an ugly road back then. i'm sure time hasn't been friendly.
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
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