I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
38 yer olds are good kisserssss
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
that is very illegal...i love you.
Randomize
