your address is 607B right?
yeah why?
i need to tell the guy bringing over the flaming bag of dog shit where to put it
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
We learned about herpes today in bio. I might as well have given the lecture
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
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