Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
I told him his only options were from behind or me on top. I was not about to mess up my $80 blow out before graduation.
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
Sometimes I just want to kiss you without you pulling ur cock out and waving it at me
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
Randomize
