I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
i'm licking honey sensually off my arm while alone in my room. what has my life come to
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
Randomize
