plz talk dirty to me
I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
Randomize
