Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
you spent the like half the night trying to figure out the puzzles on the back of the captn crunch box
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
hahaha lucky. I'm fishing with some dude I just met when I woke up next to the mohawk river
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
There has to be a way to make college graduation in Las Vegas different than any other Tuesday in Las Vegas. Strippers? Been there. Getting arrested for public indecency on the strip? Done that.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
Sidenote: do you recall your "give me the d" chant
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
Randomize
