i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
hotdog in my bra and i still managed to score. Got a bit freaked when he tried to eat it though. I paid 3 bucks for that fucking hotdog.
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
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