I learned to sign I want to be on you today
Score
Deaf chicks here I come
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
remember that response paper i wrote naked, at 745am still drunk with a naked dude in my bed? yeah, totally got an a- on that. and he loved my insight.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
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