if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
At my internship. I get drug tested tmr at 2
Are they going to pay you for the one day you worked?
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
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